I Never Wanted to be a Mom

It’s true. Even when I was younger I could tell moms were busy and did a lot. As I got older and my friends and people I knew started having kids and I saw the sacrifices they made, the more comfortable I got about the idea of just having a husband, working a dream job with a lot of money and traveling.

My mom did a lot when we were younger. She went to every event, we played every sport and she took us to every appointment. I didn’t realize it when I was younger but as I got older started to understand how busy we always were, and I didn’t want to be busy “when I grew up.” When I started college and had my own independence I really was convinced I just be the fly aunt at the family reunion.

I always knew I wanted to get married but I didn’t have a desire to become a mother. I wanted a huge empty house, and white wedding. Tyler and I started dating when I was 20 and it didn’t take me long at all to know he was the one. We were young, we talked about getting married, buying a house and all the goals we had. We occasionally talked about being parents but never seriously. We were so young, it was the farthest thing from our mind. I had no doubt Tyler would be a great father, I just wasn’t sure I’d ever make him one.

I knew he wanted children when we were dating, 2 in fact. Like I said we talked about it, but it was never very seriously. We dated for almost 6 years before we got married and even had a name picked out for a daughter but it still just seemed like all talk rather than something we actually planned.

By the time we were married we had both already graduated college, twice, purchased our first home and lived together for almost 4 years. We got married in November 2017 and I started the academy in February 2018. Up until this point we never really felt like we were in a place to have a baby. We didn’t live in a neighborhood where we wanted to bring a baby home, we weren’t financially ready for a baby and we just were trying to agree on some things before we decided if we should be parents. But after we got married we said we would have a baby if I didn’t get into the academy, I was sort of relived when I got in because I knew the conversation was on hold for at least 6 months.

I graduated in August 2018 and we talked about having children again. We agreed that I would work for a year, then go from there. Soon after graduation I turned 27, and knew I wanted to have a baby before 30. So we’d soon have to make our decision. August 2019 I had been on the job a year, but 3 months of that was training. Tyler told me, you said a year and we could have a baby, he was ready. Technically yes I was working for a year, but 3 of those months I was training, so I wanted a true year, which would have been in November.

I decided in the beginning of October to take my birth control out, I had the implant in my arm. I had it for 3 years, and then got another one and had it for 2 years, plus being in the pill and patch prior to that. I didn’t know if I’d be able to get pregnant or how long it would take because I was on birth control for so long. The last thing I wanted was for us to try for a baby, and not be able to have one. Tyler and I talked and decided after my birthday party we would try for a baby.

I don’t have to go into detail here, you know how babies are made. Since we tried for so many years to not have a baby, I was concerned about it being real different now that we switched to baby making mode, it wasn’t. I think if you have a healthy relationship, you’ll have a healthy sexual relationship.

Prior to the baby making I did have a minor break down and told Tyler I didn’t want a baby and I didn’t want to be a mom. I am a very factual person, and could think of 100 reasons why I shouldn’t raise a child. My sweet husband assured me I’d be a great mom and told me that we did not have to have a baby, that he would be just as happy being married to me without ever having a kid. After some thought I decided he was right, I could be a great mom and I couldn’t think of a better person to go half on a baby with that Tyler.

So we got to it. And to my surprise I was pregnant the next month. You can check out my first trimester blog here where I talk about it. My first pregnancy was a chemical pregnancy, but the following month I became pregnancy again, and now we are patiently awaiting the arrival of baby P!

I say all this to say it’s okay if you never wanted to be a mom, or if you decide to never be one. I also never wanted to be a cop, and I love it. I never wanted tattoos and I have a lot. I never wanted to be vegan, and it’s my whole lifestyle now. It’s okay to change your mind. I never wanted to be a mom, but now I can’t imagine not being a mom (to be)!

I can’t wait to see how my baby looks, who he or she acts like, and who they will grow up to be. I am so grateful that I’ve been given the opportunity to raise a baby who will eventually grow up to make so much change in this world whether it’s big or small. I’m excited to see Tyler is daddy mode and baby P with his or her grandparents and aunts and uncles.

Comment and let me know what you we’re feeling prior to the arrival of your first baby.

I was and sometimes still am worried I won’t do something right. Or that I won’t know how to do something, and I’m sure at time I’ll mess up or have to phone a friend for advice. But I’m starting to be okay with that. I know I (we) will do what is best for our baby. Subconsciously every decision we’ve made this far in our relationship has been for this moment right here. All our decisions have set us up to be comfortable bringing a baby into this world. Obviously this is just the beginning, we will have a lot of things to figure out in the upcoming weeks, months and years. But I (we) are ready.

All the things they say are true. All I can think about is my sweet baby. I am currently 39 weeks and more than ready to hold my son or daughter. We had an appointment today and baby has a good heart beat and is in a good position so I trust my baby and body will do what needs to be done when the time is right. I’ve nourished my body and baby, exercised and remained stress-free for my entire pregnancy, so I’m going to let me body do it’s thing.

I’m ready to be a mom. See you soon Baby P.

xo